4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
