Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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