I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
