I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
