The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
