Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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