Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
