I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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