I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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