haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
