Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
