Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
