theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
