we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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