my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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