Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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