did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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