FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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