So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
