my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
