just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
