Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
