Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
