ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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