Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
