Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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