Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
