Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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