I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
