yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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