Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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