The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
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Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
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Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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