Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
