Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
