i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
