Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
