I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
