omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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