I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
