I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
