Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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