what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
