Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just come out here and I will go home with you...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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