life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
