Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
