Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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