3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
