I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
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So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
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the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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