On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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