I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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