You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
