Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
