I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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