I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
