some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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