So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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