I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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