i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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