I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize