Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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